Orgasm is something that is often a very important part of the sexual experience. Well the “Big O” is made into a big deal given the role it has in many movies with the sigh of contentment being highlighted as the key sex scene in many movies. Although I advocate for the importance of not putting so much pressure on orgasm but rather sharing connected pleasure, which I talk a bit more in next week’s blog post, I do know it’s not necessarily something to ignore. So I want to give you a guide to what helps you have an orgasm in your relationship, and I also send your way some good ol’ analogies so get ready.

Bring on the Mind

The first thing about orgasm that is really important to understand is that you need to set the stage first. Before you even get to the bedroom you need to make sure that your mind is on board. Your mind is your biggest sex organ and because of this it needs to be open to intimacy and you need to help your mind get there. Especially for women, you can’t expect to go from a busy kick-butt day and then expect the mind to leap over to intimacy land in a single bound. Although you are awesome you aren’t superwoman. If the mind doesn’t want to be there it’s not going to be there just on it’s own AND even if it does want to be intimate it’s not going to happen with the flip of a switch.

To be really engaged in your intimate experience and increase the likelihood of orgasm happening this means that you have to help stimulate and open your mind with the things that have you relax and feel open. And on the flip side need to make sure that you don’t have a lot of things that are clogging up your mind such as stress, thinking about the to-do list, worrying about what your body looks like, what your partner is thinking, or what the sexual experience needs to look like. This creates pressure and pressure is one of THE biggest killers of potential orgasm. When your brain is clogged up with these things it can’t be open to the sexual experience and you need your mind to be relaxed and open in order to have any chance at orgasm.

Attend to the Body

The next key piece of orgasm is making sure that you attend to the arousal of your body. This means making sure that you’re getting the right kisses; the right touch and sensations like hard, soft, or playful; and you’re getting those touches in the right areas. AND importantly you need to have those touches for the right amount of time. This is especially essential for women because women take a bit more time for their arousal to build before the action really starts taking off. Women are like dial-up internet whereas many men, with the help of their testosterone, are more like the high-speed internet.

So this could mean you might need 20 minutes or more to build your arousal before any type of genitals are actually included in the experience, and especially before penetration happens. In that way women are kind of like ovens, you need to warm things up before you put anything inside. And on that note, only about 30% of women have an orgasm through penetration even with time for arousal to build. So if it doesn’t happen with penetration, don’t worry about it.

Order Does Not Matter

An important note about arousal and desire is that they don’t necessarily have to happen in a particular order. You might expect that you need to feel desire and a “heck ya” thought before you say yes to intimacy. For some this spontaneous desire to take action does occur but for many (well most) it doesn’t in long-term relationships. Think about it in terms of working out. Have you ever experienced those times when you see “Gym Workout” in your calendar and you think “ugh, I don’t know if I really want to go. I’m not super jazzed about it,” but then once you go you are so glad you went and you feel super good after? I don’t know about you but if I waited until I was super excited about going to the gym I would like never go. Instead, I know that once I get there and move my body my brain kicks in and is like “heck ya I’m so glad I’m here”.

The same thing goes for intimacy for many women. This is because they have what is called Responsive Desire. If this is you this means that once you start actually having your body touched in the bedroom and your body gets in motion, then your brain has a chance to hop on board to join the fun. So it’s totally OK to start intimacy when your brain is in neutral or not exactly jumping up and down in anticipation because what your brain is actually needing is for you to get to the bedroom and start moving your body before it comes in and joins. And heck, just like the gym, if you start up and after 10 minutes your mind is just still not into it then you can raincheck for a different time or activity. You aren’t stuck with keeping going, you can change direction or end things at any time.

Vulnerability

Once you have the brain on board and the body is getting highly aroused, the other key piece of orgasm is vulnerability. This means surrendering into the experience with your partner and letting go of any worries. This is essential for orgasm because orgasm is a place where you are completely surrendering your body and you are in full exposure. When you are completely surrendering your body to the experience and to the person that you are with that is vulnerability to the max. Because of this many control their vulnerability during intimacy. For many, the letting go means a loss of control and it’s scary to be vulnerable and so they don’t open and surrender. This is why having a good, safe, partner is so vital to your relationship. Taking steps to surrender into the intimate experience will help you move closer to orgasm.

Let’s Wrap Up

When you focus on the desire of your mind, the arousal of your body, and you’re also surrendering and embracing the vulnerability of the experience, that’s when the possibility of orgasm can happen. I say a possibility because 1) it’s not a given that it will happen because you are not a robot and life can impact the three areas discussed, and 2) it’s not necessary for orgasm to happen with every intimate encounter. Orgasm is a wonderful piece of the sexual experience and now you know what it takes to help it be a part of your experience but it doesn’t define the sexual experience. It’s more about the sharing of pleasure and connection, which is something I could write a whole other blog post on and that’s exactly what I did! But patience you eager learner, I’ll get that to you next week, promise!

Things to Remember

Your Mind is your biggest sex organ
The arousal of your body needs time and the right touches
Arousal can come before Desire
Vulnerability is about surrendering and letting go
Don’t pressure yourself to orgasm every time

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O is for Orgasm: Your Guide to Orgasm in Relationship